I waited for a while
I listened for a while
I hoped for a while
I prayed for a while
I still believe
I’m fed up, I’ve had enough
And that’ll be enough.
Vive Sine Paenitentia
Res Ipsa Loquitur.
So, here’s the thing…this year I’m making NO resolutions. Why? ‘Cause every time I-do, I break ’em. (Read that in southern and you’ll laugh)
i.e. I tried to psych myself out and make an end of the year resolution that would just carry over to this year, it was fairly easy, one that said I would blog every day. Totally attempted to for three days. Went strong. Rocked. Day four? It all went to pot. Not the drugs, stupid. That’s a saying from the ultra southern (read country) women in my family.
So yeah, no resolutions. Why? Because I’m tired of lying to myself and I’m tired of silly internal failures.
I take those things to heart.
This year, I win life. No resolutions. No failures.
Only took me thirty-two years but I got it. Got it good, too. And with no hands. Damn right, I did. Thanks. (Insert sassy head nod and long eye-blink)
I get the whole new-skin of it. New year. New chances. Different outcomes. Etcetera, Etcetera.
Sidebar: Listen, was that a little pretentious of me to spell it out? Yes. Who cares.
Anyhoooo, like I said I get it. I get that we all revel in the chance to start over, but here’s the thing, do we really ever start over? Do we really ever completely begin again? You know, brand spanking new? I do NOT think so. Unless one of you bastards have crawled back into the uterus and demanded a do over, let’s move along. So yeah, no, no starting over. We can try again, yes. We’re always welcomed to try again, give it another shot, whatever “it” may be. And I will, I will continue to try until there’s no tries left.
i.e. If like I’m on world 8-4 or 8 and that’s the last world in the game (read life) and Jesus is all like, “Well, you didn’t slay the dragon, so you’re done now.” (Read that in a sanctimonious Jesus voice and you’ll laugh and get it) then I guess all my tries are over. I imagine I’ll be okay with that. But then, satisfied is something that I’m no longer willing to be or accept so I also imagine that there will be some sort of Jesus-Me debate…not saying that I’m going to win, but like for real, I think I could give it a good go. Is this sacrilegious, smite-worthy, and/or blasphemous? Yes. You sure? Yikes. *commences to rectify*
Side bar: Jesus, listen, I’m a writer, I’m colorful. No harm, no foul. K? Thanks…oh yeah and Amen. *looks around for determined lightening rods”
No resolutions was what we were talking about, right? Yes. Good.
So yeah, no resolutions, only a very resolute promise to myself to continue to try. After all, that’s all we can ever do…right? (I think you get it.)
Happy New Year!
Vive Sine Paenitentia
Res Ipsa Loquitur.
Note: Refer to the unedited part of this blog.
Note again: Soon I’ll stop giving a damn and let you correct me all willy nilly, you pretentious, good spelling, grammar having, no-editor-needing, no-proofreader-needing, snobs.
Note again, again: And I’ll still love you just the same.
Mine are waiting.
Where are you going?
Mine are welcoming.
Won’t you come in?
Mine are soft.
You know that quite well.
Mine are thick?
Never ever to thin.
Mine are warm.
I’ll provide you heat.
Mine are always opened.
…where could you be?
Vive Sine Paenitentia
Res Ipsa Loquitur.
I was eleven when I first met him. I was eighteen when I first kissed him and I was twenty-eight when I finally left him.
FINALLY LEFT HIM.
Between eighteen and twenty-eight, there were several breaks, retries, and more breaks, but none of them took.
Not even the retries.
Nor the Breaks.
The first year after my break-up, I convinced myself that I loved him too hard. That’s why I didn’t leave before our ten-year tenure. The second year after our break-up I finally came to grips with the fact that love was never in the equation. I didn’t love myself enough to leave him and I didn’t love him enough to really give him a chance. That relationship and all hardship embedded lasted way too damn long.
Way Too Damn Long!
I realized that what I’d pacified myself with during our time together, the statement about about opposites being attracted to each other was a bunch of BULLSHIT! Opposites? You ask. Yes, opposites.
He was a Tupac fan. I was a Biggie Fan.
He was a Nas fan. I am a Jay-Z fan.
He was a Pippen Fan. I was (AM) a Jordan FANATIC.
He was a UNC-Chapel Hill Fan. I was (AM) DUKE BLUE DEVILS ALL DAY AND TOMORROW!
He was an Atlanta Braves Fan. I was a Chicago White Sox.
He was a Huge Redskin’s Fan. I am a Huger JETS fan. (Don’t Judge Me)
He liked old school music and cars. I’m an eighties and above type of music lover and none of my cars have been older than five years.
He was a smoker. I am NOT.
He was a drinker. I am NOT.
He was a cheater. I am NOT…well listen, sometimes things happen. Yeah, I need your judgment. *rolls eyes*
He played a Brass Instrument. I play woodwinds. <That’s true. I’m clarinetist and a Saxophonist.
He didn’t like words. I need words to breathe.
He didn’t like to read. I can’t live without it.
I could go on, but I hope you got it by now. We didn’t match. Opposites were a sever understatement in our case, but I needed something to hold on to, to answer the question of why I was staying with this man. And the answer three-years after our demise, is that I value friendships…but sometimes you have to know when to fold ‘em.
It took a while, but I got there.
But I didn’t arrive there by myself…I was forced there. And here’s how it happened…
For the sake of diplomacy and because one of these days a lot of people will read this and I wouldn’t dare throw this man under the bus like this because I do believe in redemption, anyway, for that sake, we’ll call him, “Dee.” And for the sake of full disclosure and because I’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, we’ll call me the Uncaught Recidivist. You can put a Ms. in front of that if you please.
Dee and I met when we were in the sixth grade. We became instant friends and then later the best of friends. Dee confessed then, with a boyish charm and a wonderful smile that I still find endearing which is a trait that he’s known by in our circle of friends, his want to be with me (as more than friends) early. I politely declined. As far as I knew, friends didn’t date friends. That was a rule that I held near and dear to my heart throughout middle school and high school.
And then there was college.
Well at least the summer before we went off to college.
My memory is rather fuzzy on how this next part came about, but anyway before going off to college we kissed. I remember the kiss doing something to my insides and then walking away feeling like…Holy hell, I just kissed my best-friend and also, in the spirit of full disclosure, I’d felt a tingle in my nether regions that I previously had never felt before…and I’d like to remind you that all we did was kiss.
A kiss had done that. The next day I felt all sorts of ways, but the one feeling that I wasn’t expecting to feel was guilt. What the hell had I done? How had it got to that point? But then, I remember feeling that it was so fucking perfect. That kiss was the kiss that little girls dream of. It’s the kiss that has been forever relayed through emotional rhetoric in every romance manuscript that I’ve ever written. (See Previous Post for that explanation) Trudge with down memory lane, won’t you…
The moment was perfect. There were creatures of the warm summer’s night cheering us on in the distance and near as we stood outside of his parents’ home in a quaint suburb of Richmond, Virginia. Though I had been to his home may times before; this time was different. I could feel it. My skin seemed to warm with the realization. My breasts felt it. They were heavy with anticipation. All I could think about, all I could feel, was that in this moment, in this time, something was changing with us, and I wanted to, I honestly wanted to fight it off with all of my might. But, I knew that it would’ve been to no avail, I was to be no match for him. How ironic that he was the Athlete of the Year. He wrestled, played football and baseball, so there weren’t many that were a match for him. It was sheer irony, I decided in that moment, that I would even dare to try. He smiled at me. The smile nearly predatory, but not quite enough to make me cringe. It was a smile that indicated everything he’d planned to do to me. A warning smile. That’s what it was. I smiled back, not nearly as bold as he, not nearly as assured as he, but I smiled nonetheless. It was my please-do smile. I knew what he wanted, I knew what I wanted, I knew what he needed, and I knew what I needed. What I didn’t know was why. Why was this moment, the perfect moment for this to happen? What had changed, what had happened, what was going to happen. My thoughts roamed as I searched my tousled brain for protocol of such a thing. Sure, I had been kissed before, many times over, but I had been asked, I had been coaxed, I had been urged. Now, all I had was a smile. A warning smile. Did I need to say something? Was I to make a statement of some sort to give him the go ahead he needed? What was a young woman to do in this particular situation? A young naïve woman, that stand before this young man, that was highly assured of himself, and what he wanted out of the situation. Fortunately, I was spared the burden of more thought. I had the right to remain silent and I obliged. He walked closer to me, he had been standing at a good distance away, and when he was within arm’s reach. Smelling distance—and damn, he smelled good—I could feel the heat from his body flow into mine causing me to feel even hotter. My lips parted of their own volition; perhaps it was to catch a quick breath, because as I felt myself sway a bit, I knew I hadn’t been breathing. I righted my actions quickly and then gasped. He pulled me around my thick waist with one of his strong hands and arms. I was flush against his body and felt everything about him that spoke to being a male. I was shocked and I jumped accordingly so. He was calm and didn’t move. He held me tighter and looked into my eyes a second more, and then he kissed me. When I felt his full lips over mine, the probing tongue urging my mouth apart wider, I relented and relaxed in his arms, and gave in to everything he’d ever wanted from me.
Seriously, I just relieved that moment, and “Dee” if you’re out there reading this, I really want to thank you for that moment. It was perfect. Simply perfect. Anyway, back to the point, that kissed changed everything in me. That kiss made me a woman in every since of the matter. That kissed, changed our lives forever. And, that kiss was the demise of our friendship. As stated the next day, I wasn’t expecting to feel guilt, but I did. I wasn’t expecting to feel grief, but I did. It wasn’t because the experience was so terrible, but it was because I knew I had lost a best-friend. After something like that, one couldn’t go back. There was simply just no way.
But, I did try.
When he called to see if I had gotten home safe, I answered his questions with affirmatives and spoke nothing of the life-altering kiss. I could tell that he had questions, I could tell that he wanted to say something, and I’m sure he could hear the hinder in my voice, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t allow him to query, I couldn’t allow myself to query.
And then the sun came up.
The grief mentioned.
The guilt mentioned.
The mood mentioned.
All awakened me as if they were the rooster crowing for the earth to rise. I spent much of that day in despair and elation. I knew what the fuss was about! I knew why kissing meant so much to some people. I knew what it felt like to be wanted for not just my body, but to be wanted in general.
And I hated it.
I hated with a vengeance that rivaled the Devil. I hated it with all of my might and heart; because I wasn’t suppose to feel this way with a best-friend.
Thus, I shoved his friendship away…at least I tried.
We had made plans to spend some time together before the summer was out, but they were nixed by corresponding car accidents. We both totaled our cars within days of each other. I like to fashion that as divined intervention. Oh, and did I mention, I had a semi-boyfriend at the time? So yeah, I would’ve been cheating on him and no good could come of that. NO good! Kiss withstanding. So, we didn’t see each other until the day before we were all to leave for our respective colleges. That night we (a group of our friends) had a going away gathering at a local restaurant. We said our goodbyes, took our pictures, and wished each other well. At the end of the evening, Dee and I found ourselves alone again. This time there were to be no moments, no nature’s creatures cheering us on. Nothing. Just pure unadulterated awkwardness. We tried smiling it off, laughing it off, pretending like things were just the way they were before we kissed, and it worked. Barely. The next day, I was off to my respective HBCU and he was off to his and our new lives begin.
Without each other.
During the spring semester of our freshman year, the boyfriend that I did have and I split and without thought, without reservation, without sanity, I called “Dee.” And said. “So, you want to be my boyfriend or what?”
His reply. “Hell yeah.”
And that’s how it all started to end…stay tuned.
The best is yet to come
For now, however;
Res Ipsa Loquitur
this is how you set a table for dinner; this is how you set a table for dinner with an important guest; this is how you set a table for lunch; this is how you set a table for breakfast; this is how to behave in the presence of men who don’t know you very well, and this way they won’t recognize immediately the slut I have warned you against becoming; be sure to wash every day, even if it is with your own spit; don’t squat down to play marbles—you are not a boy, you know— don’t pick people’s flowers, you might catch something; don’t throw stones at blackbirds, because it might not be a blackbird at all…
– Girl, Jamaica Kincaid
Like the little girl in this poem/story, I was warned. I was warned of a lot of things. I was told not to do a lot of things, and I listened to most of them. Most of them I didn’t. I have suffered the consequences of my actions, and I blame not a soul because of it. However, I’m learning in this process of…growth (I guess we’ll call it that) is that though you’re in a new space, in a new vibe, in a new feel, the person(s) that you wronged, or didn’t help, or lied to, or didn’t believe, or didn’t want, or didn’t love, may not be there and you simply can’t right that wrong. Even if it was a wrong you’ve done to yourself. Most of the time people that want to gloss over facts, rearrange history, make themselves feel, better tend to not want to hash up the past. Well, that’s exactly what I want to do, I’d like to go back and tell the old me that I’m sorry, I’d like to tell some of you that I’ve hurt, inadvertently and advertently, that I’m sorry and I’d like to fix a few hearts that I somehow managed to break, but I can’t. However, if my world was perfect, if my life was perfect, if things were just, I’d start off by saying the following:
I apologize for leading you to believe something that wasn’t true. I apologize for leaving you when you needed me the most, I apologize for not understanding you, I apologize that I really don’t mean any of this.
You heard me.
I don’t believe any of it.
To go back and right a wrong means that you get to rearrange history, and I know we’ve all seen the movies or cartoons or stories what-have-you about changing one minor fact and it possible rearranging your whole life.
I believe that to be true!
I believe that every heart I broke, every person that I hurt, and every person that has hurt me and broken my heart has helped shaped me into the character that I’ll become. And like the girl that Ms. Kincaid so avidly illustrated, I’m inclined to believe that there was a good part of the “Warner” that knew she (the girl) would do the things warned against and while I don’t have literary proof, I’m willing to bet it made her a pretty special little lady…I’d bet the farm, and so, I choose, with all of my might to dismiss all warnings now, and just be. The ones that I thought I listened to, I now renounce them and the ones that I know I didn’t listen to, I’m thankful. And I am forever grateful and you should be too! I’m so damned excited to get to this next chapter in my life that I don’t know what to do, because as a hopeful fiction and romance “penista” (Yeah, damn it, that’s a word…MY word. DON’T steal it) I’m conditioned to believe in happily ever-after endings and once upon a time beginnings. The first chapter of my tale started out perfect. There was drama, lust, lies, deception, peace, good sex, bad sex, all the stuff that Mrs. Ellis, my 9th grade English Teacher, said made for good foreshadowing. And I gotta say, I can’t wait to see what’s next. Stay tuned…
Vive sine paenitentia!
Res Ipsa Loquitur
So I’ll be your clown, behind the glass, go ‘head and laugh, cause it’s funny, I would too, if I saw me,
I’ll be your clown, on your favorite channel, my life’s a circus-circus, round in circles, I’m selling out tonight
~ Clown, Emeli Sande
The title speaks for itself, and the quote brings it all home. And it’s true! My hair absolutely fell out and my life IS a circus-circus! No specific reason…but then that’s not completely true, there was a reason, but I choose not to share that with you guys—don’t worry, it wasn’t anything too bad. I thought perhaps that God had smote me. My boyfriend of ten years and I split because…let’s just face it, I should’ve left his ass ten-months into the relationship, but I stuck it out, thinking that somehow, some way, all the alcohol in the world would miraculously disappear and he would no longer be the drunk that I knew he was. Don’t pooh-pooh me; I’ve lived inside of my imagination for a while, thus the need for this post. I digress (quite frequently). Though, I’m quite sure that I hadn’t been singled out by God to be smote, I did feel however, that I’d been singled out to begin again. Not by God, but by my grandiose sense of self-preservation. When the going gets tough in my life, I get going. I left him, my hair left me. The going was tough for us both I guess.
No, that’s not quite how it happened, but in my mind and for the sake of sensationalism let’s just say it happened pretty damn close to that. I thought when I saw my once head of pretty curls, thick luxurious locks bid me adieu that I would lose it, but I didn’t, I bought a wig, covered it up and moved on with my life. It was, however, such an eye opening experience. Not, because of the hair falling out, but because of the sheer metaphor that life had giving me. No way, there was no smiting, I was dispensed a gift of literary gold, perhaps one day it will be well apart of my Magnum Opus…we’ll see. The gold/metaphor came because it was in those moments of baldness that I realized, this was a perfect depiction of who I was and fortunately/unfortunately, who I am.
The Uncaught Recidivist.
In the world, people were fooled, they thought that I was a happy go-lucky, longhaired, newly thirty-year-old with her future and the world at her feet. When I got home, I was a bald, single, thirty-year-old with a future/world that she had yet to have figured out. The latter being the truth…maybe? I have been too many times the one that “they” want to be, but I’ve been to me, the one that I’ve never wanted to be. Now, please don’t mistake this for self-pity or varied self-esteem. I’m pretty happy with myself, and I’m pretty pleased with what I see, though, I really do need to lose weight—shut up already, I’m doing it—however, in my span of thirty-one years, I’ve managed to create a world and person that I’m not, hence forth the “Uncaught” business of the blog, and I hadn’t realized until that very moment of missing hair, that that’s what was going on in my world.
In my life.
I had, in essence, been living a wig (a lie for those of you who lack wit). My life wasn’t a complete wig, but it wasn’t all my natural hair that’s for damned sure, and now, I’m in the process of trying to figure out, which one of those women I want to be. The bald woman or the wig wearer? Which would you choose? And think deeply, I’d be curious to know why you chose your answer. Until next time…
~Res Ipsa Loquitur, Caperent me, si potes,
Was it for this I uttered prayers,
And sobbed and cursed and kicked the stairs,
That now, domestic as a plate,
I should retire at half-past eight?
~ Grown-up, Edna St. Vincent Millay
The idea to blog isn’t new to me, it’s just that today the idea became a bit more attractive. Dressed and sexy. After a proper downward spiral into the abysmal in which I’ve created to be a life, the idea of getting people involved in my world started to make me tingle. “Why not?” some inner voice asked—one of many—prompting my sane self to give it thought.
Thought. Thought? Thought!
That is most certainly the derision of my procrastination. Thought. I’ve spent much of my life thinking about it, that, those, this, things in general and not enough acting upon it, and so…I acted. For the first time in many moons, I acted. Not that I’m a couch potato type gal…well at least not in my head, I am, however, perhaps, a slow starter. And I, quite frankly, am okay with that. Enlied the problem. My inward motto has been “Satisfaction is the bullet into the head of success.” Stay with me here, really, I’m going somewhere. Have you ever taken the time to wonder how, “they got there” and how “you ended up here”? No? Just me? That’s fine, I’m used to the oneness, I’m an only child, so I’ll paddle through this anyway. To answer the question…yes, I have, many times over and it wasn’t until this very day, this very night, this very minute that I received the answer. And that was, successful people are never satisfied. I am now thirty-one years past my birth and up until recently, all I’ve ever wanted to be was satisfied. Is that just the most insane shit that you’ve ever read? I mean seriously, have you ever laid eyes on such utterly ridiculous and filthy rhetoric? Fodder? Gibberish? Listen, there’s no need to enumerate or shake your pretentious, all-knowing heads in disgust. So, I’m late to the party, the point is, I’m here. Yes, world (that means you) I just wanted to be satisfied and as I worked different job after different job after finishing with school for the moment, I sought satisfaction only to be displaced by such natural disasters as being okay, settled, and swallow this for kicks and giggles, just fine. Those three words should be banned from the vocabulary! I’m serious. When was the last time you saw someone who was in their minds successful being just okay, just settling and all right being just fine. My guess, never, and so in lieu of prolonging this post a moment more and to give my thumbs a rest (posting from my blackberry—duh, they still exist) I am here today to renounce satisfaction. I don’t want to be satisfied! I want to be successful…
I just don’t know in what? Thus, the Blah Conundrum…
Res Ipsa Loquitur,